There is a separation. There are two separate reasons/effects of my behavior. One is being out there. The other is not being here. Being out there is OK; at least understandable. Exciting, new etc… It’s also normal. The other one is not as easy.
I had a bad day today. I’ve been through these thoughts many times. It always comes down to this; I don’t have a story. I did not write my story. I’ve purposely, always stayed away from my own story. When I had to write something, I kept myself out of it. I never allowed myself to become the subject. Collecting is story-making. I refrained from that too. I threw everything away. Books, photographs, paintings, texts, even people. I felt like; when I threw it all away, what remained was me, myself…
When I look behind, all the decisions I’ve made in the past seem very economical. They are all very ‘right’! No one can ask me why I did the stuff I did. The answers are obvious. My mind, the detours my mind makes are not visible as actions. The life I lived appears to be a composed of logical reflexes.
I don’t mean this in a bad way. I’m not regretting it. On the contrary, I still admire economy. It’s beautiful. When there is economy, everything else disappears. There are no detours, no complexities. It’s peaceful. It is peace.
Whatever happened in the meantime, I lost that peace. I lost my ability to survive. To float. The buoyancy is not as strong.
A few years ago, I got bored for the first time in my life. Ever since, the feeling became familiar. This is not about the environment. It couldn’t be so. Environment does not matter. This must be about me. I must have stopped observing. I don’t believe it’s because I’ve been spending my days in the same room for the past 5 years, but probably because I preferred not to see/observe some parts of that environment. For some time, I kept on entertaining myself with the remains. But soon enough, the negative space became positively visible.
I don’t remember the last dream I had. The last time I cried, or got genuinely excited about something… Felt love, got drunk or lost myself in the city… It’s hard to say (from an economical point of view) , but I miss it. I miss all of it.
